Yes I Only Have One
On June 17, 2013, I had a left mastectomy because of early-stage breast cancer. I opted not to have reconstruction, so I am “lopsided.” For a long time after healing from the surgery I didn’t wear a prosthetic breast. It’s not that comfortable and I enjoyed not wearing a bra. While, I am small breasted, you can tell I only have one.
I never really worried about what other people thought. Until…
In 2016 I joined a group activity with people I didn’t know previously. No one there knew I’d had a mastectomy, at least not at first. I didn’t think it was that important. Then, one person in the group began making a lot of comments about my one breast and started bringing it into our public performances. The first couple of times I laughed it off, pretending it didn’t bother me, but it did. I began feeling self-conscious, like there was something wrong with my body, and hence with me, because I wasn’t whole, symmetrical, perfect. I felt judged, shamed, belittled for being me.
I would like to say I just carried on and didn’t let their opinion affect me. But, the truth is I started wearing a mastectomy bra with a prosthetic breast almost every day. I tried to make light of it; joked about my “chicken cutlet” with others, but the truth is, I only wore it because I became ashamed of who I was. I allowed the opinions of others to ruin my view of myself.
Here’s the thing. The bra isn’t that comfortable, wearing a prosthetic isn’t that comfortable. Most of all being uncomfortable with myself isn’t that comfortable. So, I’ve stopped. Stopped wearing the prosthetic and the bra. It’s my body and I will not be ashamed of it any longer. Stare if you must. The discomfort is yours.
I’m not just missing a breast; I’m aging and changing. I have wrinkles, crow’s feet, graying hair, my skin isn’t as tight as it once was. All this and only one breast too. None of this makes me less of a human being, less worthy of taking up space on this planet.
What have you hidden about yourself, because you are worried about what others will think? What have you allowed yourself to be shamed into concealing? In what ways do you publicly shame others? In what ways do you silently shame others in your mind?
Bullying and shaming those who don’t conform to a culturally accepted norm starts early. Children as young as three will bully those who are not like them. Children learn who is good and not good from their primary caregivers, their faith communities and from the media. We grow into adults who are intolerant of others who don’t fit some narrow gauge of what is good and “normal.”
Take a moment today and think about who you shun. Who do you leave out of your heart? What would happen if you recognized every human you meet as someone who has desires, hopes, dreams, and fears, just like you? What if you walk through your day acting as if everyone you meet is worthy of kindness and love? What if you stopped judging others as faulty and started accepting them as full, messy, complicated lovely human beings?
